steffielee

I hate seeing these jillian Michaels adds on the side of the page.. I mean she is great and I would love to have her train me… but I don’t want to pay money I don’t have on her diet website.  I hate when they say its free and then you get to it and you have to pay.. damn.  I guess she has to make money too though.

I can see what I want.. Now I have to work for it.  Tonight I ate late and probably ate more then I needed too.  Its not that I’m hungry all the time.  I just love the taste of food and the way it makes me feel at that moment in time…..  Then when its in my stomach digesting I feel like crap.  Wish there was an easy affordable way to lose weight.  But I guess working hard is a better pay off.  Would not mind getting the lap band or surgery just don’t have to money.  No short cuts for me.

So I have done a lot of thinking the past few weeks… and I have begun my journey once again.  I just have to look at the final prize and keep pushing myself to eat those yummy veggies and chicken…..  I have to look on the bright side.  There is nothing to look forward to on the road I have been on with over eating and diving right into that big bucket of butter..  ( not literally butter but bad lifestyle and eating habits)  I have everything to look forward to on this new venture.  I see myself running around the yard with my daughter laughing and playing.  I see myself helping others on their journeys. I see myself at the beach comfortable without feeling disgusted every time someone walks by and looks…  I see a beautiful healthy woman at my wedding in my beautiful white gown marrying my fiance.  I see myself teaching my daughter from a young age to live an active healthy life so she does not have to go through the pain I go through every day.  So I hope seeing these things in my head help me get through this battle of the bulge!

I guess I’m going to write every time I feel a need to binge eat.  Because I have discovered that is my problem.  I don’t know how to deal with it.  I don’t even know if writing will help me cope.  All I know is that things have gone from bad……………..to worse…….when it comes to my eating.  I’m sitting here on the computer, reading articles and information about Binge Eating Disorder and I’m shaking my head in disbelief that they actually diagnose people with this.  As I’m reading I’m having a huuuuuuuuugeee craving for a gigantic bowl of PASTA with butter smothered all over it…  when there is delisious foooooood like that who the hell wants to eat a salad? I mean honestly.  I love my food.  it has become a BIG part of my life.  But I also want help with my problem.  I don’t know if I can ever walk away from the things I love.  Food (comfort food)  has become my drug of choice.  It is my addiction.  I’m like an alcoholic on a binge drinking night….  Maybe I shouldn’t compare myself to an alcoholic, but it feels like I am. I have no insurance, so I can’t talk to someone professional…and honestly I think I need to talk to someone professional and work out some of my inner issues.  You know where and how this all started..and how it just got so bad.How do you go about talking to someone professional, when you don’t have a doctor, or inssurance?  Most people will laugh in your face if you don’t have the insurance to cover it………. uuuuuuurrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhh.. I’m so sorry for posting this and I’m hoping my negativity does not affect you beautiful people.  I love you guys so much.. I am just soooooooooooo  I don’t know.

SINCE I WAS LITTLE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE TASTE, TEXTURE AND COMFORT THAT FOOD OFFERED ME….  FOOD WAS MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER WHEN HE WAS NOT THERE, IT WAS MY CRUTCH WHEN I WAS SICK, AND IT WAS MY BEST FRIEND WHEN I DID NOT HAVE ANY FRIENDS.  IT ALSO PROTECTED ME FROM BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.   I NEED HELP REALLY BAD.  I HAVE AN ADDICTION TO FOOD.  NOT JUST FOOD, BUT THE GUILTY PLEASURE FOODS……  PASTA, BUTTER, BREAD, BROWNIES, THE LIST GOES ON AND ON….  I THINK MY ADDICTION IS MOSTLY MENTAL.  WHEN I’M UPSET OR STRESSED FROM BEING A NEW MOM OR IF MY FIANCE GETS ON MY LAST NERVE……… WHEN I’M BORED I EAT CONSTANTLY….. WHEN I’M SICK I EAT LIKE A PIG.  MY LIFE IS SURROUNDED WITH FOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO GET AWAY FROM IT..  OR AT LEAST TO HAVE SOME KIND OF CONTROL OVER MY COMPULSIVE EATING…  I CAN TRY ANY DIET, START ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM BUT IT ALWAYS TURNS OUT THE SAME WAY……… I DO REALLY REALLY GOOD.. LOSE  A LOT OF WEIGHT(ACCORDING TO ME)…….  THEN LOSE NOTHING, GET BORED, WALK PAST THAT REECES PEANUT BUTTER CUP AND I JUST CRASH AND BURN.  I HAVE REACHED MY LAST ROPE… I NEED HELP NOW AND I NEED IT TO BE EFFECTIVE.  I KNOW WHAT ALL THIS IS DOING TO ME.  EVERYTIME I OVER EAT I FEEL GUILTY, THEN I OVER EAT SOME MORE TO TRY TO COVER UP THE GUILTY FEELINGS……  ITS JUST ONE UNHEALTHY MOVE TO THE NEXT.  DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ANSWERS?  WHO IS TO SAY I WILL TAKE ANYONES ADVISE ANYWAYS?  SO WHY EVEN WASTE YOUR TIME ANSWERING?????????

YOU KNOW, I THINK I’D LIKE TO KNOW HOW LIFE WOULD BE JUST ONE DAY BEING THIN. OR AT LEAST HEALTHY…….

AFTER MONTHS OF BEING PREGNANT LILIANA IS NOW HERE… I HAD A C SECTION AND HOPE THAT DOESN’T STAND IN THE WAY OF WEIGHT LOSS.  SINCE I HAD HER MY APPETITE HAS GROWN AND I’M EATING LIKE A PIG.  I NEED HELP GETTING BACK ON TRACK AGAIN.

I LOVE EVERTHING ABOUT BEING A MOM, SHE WAS A MONTH EARLY BUT IS NOW STARTING TO CATCH UP AND IS A MONTH AND 3 DAYS OLD.  MY PRIDE AND JOY!

After the little one comes out I have about a year to get where I want to be for my wedding.  I know I can do it.. I just also know its going to take hard work and some life changes………  But then again the baby is going to bring about a lot of life changes so what is one more right?

So my friends, I know it has been a while but a lot has been going on.  I was so excited to lose all of that weight with all of your help.  The only thing now is that I am 12 weeks pregnant.  So after losing all that weight i’m probably going to gain it all back.  I am so happy to become a new mother, but also a little bumed for getting so far only to get back tracked.  But I know its worth it and I know its possible for me to lose the weight again!! love you guys.  Hope you are all ready for the holidays!

Oh goodness I have been bad the last couple of days.  I just feel so bloated.. Had chips and chocolate today………………….

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY.  I MET MY VERY LONG AND REDICULOUS MINI GOAL..  THIS TIME I HAVE SET A MORE REALISTIC MINI GOAL AND I CAN’T WAIT TO REACH THAT.  I KNOW ITS GOING TO BE MORE DIFFICULT NOW BECAUSE IT TOOK ME WHAT SEEMED LIKE FOREVER TO LOSE THOSE LAST FEW POUNDS ON MY MINI GOAL.  I GUESS ITS TIME TO STEP IT UP A NOTCH OR TWO.  I NEED MOTIVATION FOR EXERSIZE.  I HAVE LOST MOST OF MY WEIGHT ON CHANGING MY EATING HABITS ALONE.